Tears

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“But I cry to you for help, Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you.” Psalm 88:13

{the old me} Quick, dry your tears, shove them back,
don’t let them see your weakness and vulnerability…

I’ve promised to be true to each emotion, to feel it, embrace it and willfully hand it over to my Father to heal me. Below is a vulnerable and personal account of emotions that blindsided me this evening and how I cried it out with, and prayed to the One I can always trust, the only One who can heal me, my King Jesus.

Although I feel I stumble tonight with tears streaming down of sadness, emptiness, and longing I trust You, Lord will not let me fall. Your strong, protective and loving hands uphold me. Lord, You’ve promised firm steps for me because I take great delight in You. And oh, do I ever so delight in You sweet Lord.

My deepest grieving tonight is in and of this world. Lord, give me Your eternal eyes to see, Your sensitive ears to hear, Your mature wisdom to desire, and Your crystal clear discernment to understand and know. I need to know, that I know, that I know Your plans for me. Replace my fleshly desire with Your Kingdom perspective. I know I am not worthy but can you just show me a little? Breathe life into me again Lord. I need CPR. I need Your deliberate shock to jumpstart my heart to dream again.

What my eyes see tonight are of this earthly world and have nothing to do with me. Circumstances and events are not what they appear to be. It is a deceiving scheme from the enemy to entice me to doubt what I do not have. Father God, Your plan for me is specific, intentional, well planned even before I was born. I call on You and pray to You. You promised and I trust You are listening to me. I seek You with all my heart and I find You every time. You have been there all along, lovingly and patiently waiting for me. You bring me back and deliver me completely from this captivity of sadness.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Lord I do take delight in You and truly believe You have and will continue to gift me the desires of my heart. I must trust in Your timing and in your clear and perfect will.

I find it most difficult to ask and ask extravagantly. I know You see every detail in my heart of extravagant dreams not asked for, wishes that never grace my lips. Oh, that I ever be so bold to ask for absolutely everything this little girl dreams, desires, yearns for. I never want to seem ungrateful for all You have and continue to provide for me, for the boys, for our families. I feel we are rich in every corner of our life already. Multitudes of Your children suffer a far greater feat with insurmountable circumstances with life, death, health, finances. Who am I to ask for more?

In fact, that is the very thing You call us to do.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

I know You call on me to be direct, specific and not to leave anything out. Maybe it’s lack of trust or fear why I don’t ask of You that which You already know is in my heart. I will keep trying Lord.

And You tell me again…

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Luke 11:9-10

Comfort comes slowly tonight through Your truth in Your scriptures including in the book of John. The below scriptures are about You, Jesus and the crucifixion. My tears slow from the truth that You have gone before me in pain, grief, sadness and loss. I can trust You are restoring my hope, love, joy and happiness.

The Disciples’ Grief Will Turn to Joy
“You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.”
John 16:16-33

My hope is in You Lord and I will keep Your commandments. Exhale me to inherit the land. You, Lord are my stronghold and the only stronghold I claim. Tonight I seek refuge in You. Hope comes in the morning.

“..weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

“Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” Psalm 25:5

Tired and weary I must rest in You. It’s where You’ve wanted me all along. Thank You for loving me, Your broken little girl who has so much to learn. I do love You Lord with my every breath, with every beat of my heart, forever and always.

Love, Your baby girl.

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