I am not who I once was. The broken pieces of a hurt, scared and abandoned little girl are a not too distant memory. Cancer saved my life.
Before my diagnosis I was imprisoned with a self-defeating, negative, demeaning, and abusive self-image. Set on repeat, the destructive, self-loathing, and detrimental thoughts of myself would play continually in my head. I was sick in my Spirit, sick in my soul.
You see, I would never think these thoughts about anyone else but somehow, through the decades, I became approving of, and allowed these thoughts to take up residency in my mind and heart. Assault after assault I was manipulated, and unknowingly made room for every ugly thought until that Friday night before Christmas when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
“You have breast cancer.” Words I never thought I would hear. I knew full well there was no turning back. This journey was going to alter my physical body forever. The body that God meticulously and intentionally created would never be as He created it to be. I would never be the same.
A cancer diagnosis delivered a powerful blow finally knocking God’s truth into my heart so that I may, once and for all, truly see the lies I believed and lived with for more years than I can remember.
His truths flooded my Spirit. God created me in HIS image. “So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27 (NIV).
My old thoughts did not line up with the truth of God’s Word. The Sword of the Spirit reminded me, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you…” Jeremiah 1:5 NASB Taking great interest in the smallest of details, God gently reminded me yet again, “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” Matthew 10:30 NASB
Scripture after scripture flooded my mind piercing my heart confirming what my mind already knew but my heart wouldn’t receive. The pieces were mixed up and after that blow they all fell together in place.
What was I thinking?? Who do I think I am?? Like a bully on a grade school playground, I was hyper critical of my Father’s work insulting the very likeness of Him, which was me. My Father creatively and lovingly thought of every detail for me when He created me. He thought of me in the beginning and in the end when He sent His only Son Jesus to die on the cross securing my future, and yours, for all eternity. How could I have been so cruel?? Why did I believe thinking these thoughts were okay??
Then it finally hit me, I am not myself. I am not mine to own. I have no right or entitlement to receive lies from the enemy, let alone nurture them. I am His.
Falling to my knees I tearfully and humbly cried out to my Father for forgiveness. Forgive me Father for I did not know what I was doing.
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
I have been reborn into a new creation in Him, “a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” —2 Corinthians 5:17 He has promised me He isn’t through with me yet. He has set me free from decades in an abusive relationship with myself.
Confessing this secret for all to know is my complete release. I can never go back to the once secret life I lived, nor do I want to. It is a secret that even the closest to me were not aware of until recently. A secret securely and strategically placed in the darkest crevices of my heart, with no intention of revealing its content or location to anyone. Unaware of the poison that was infecting my soul. Unaware of the slow death that was occurring. Unaware that this secret bondage was preventing me from fully walking in His perfect plan, purpose and will for my life, and the legacy of my children.
“The time is coming when everything that is covered up will be revealed, and all that is secret will be made known to all. Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the housetops for all to hear!” Luke 12:2-3 That time for me is now.
Sin that was once concealed is now revealed and is rendered powerless in the safety of the blood of Christ Jesus. The truth, “Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” Psalm 119:105 NASB The secret holds no power now. I am free.
I have believed God’s promises and truth for everyone else. Now, I truly believe His promises for my life. I am free. I am finally free and have taken full possession of my healing, deliverance and breakthrough.
I finally understand and fully receive His unmerited favor, grace. I receive His over 7,000 abundant promises. He is so faithful. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 NASB